On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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