We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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