just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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