I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize