Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
