im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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