Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
