can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
