The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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