I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
