i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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