Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
