the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
