Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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