She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My bed smells like the plague
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
