literally had 100 drinks last night.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
