allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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