i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
