Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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