splinters make it hard to masturbate
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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