Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
