Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
