dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish I only lived at night.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
