apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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