Don't you send me to vm
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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