o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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