Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
