im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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