i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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