wakey wakey hands off snakey
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
