I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
