I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
