My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
