my vag is so smooth its legendary
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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