At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
