I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
