Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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