Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
