Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
