u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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