Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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