She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
