my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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