This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
