Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Vodka?
Forever.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I could fuck to npr.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize