Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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