She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
