Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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