I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
