My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
