I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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