Tell her she can't have a vagina
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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