I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
