i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
