Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
