my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
