i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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