FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I seem to have left my pride at pride
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
