Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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