my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
