A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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