I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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